Day 1

Devastation, heavy silence, sobbing, reaching out, sobbing, numbness, anger, sobbing, exhaustion, doubt...just a few of my feelings the 21st of March when 60 % of our NWP office found out we would be laid off.  On the same day, my friend Luke posted a picture of a paper towel roll mangled by being cut in half with the comment, "sometimes you have to amputate to save the whole."  I felt amputated from the whole, knowing that the amputated part dies filled me with sadness.  I wanted to die, actually.  I sat at the beach by myself with a bag of Cheeto Puffs...it seemed the worst thing I could do to myself I guess...eat forbidden food.  The day was gray and rainy, of course, and the Cape Mears spit was calm.  A call from Carolyn helped me sob some more.  I was avoiding going home.  Home to my "office,"  home to emptiness,  home to face reality.  I sat until dark.  Home was just as I expected -empty and dark- so I crawled into my bed with my stuffed lamb and cried myself to sleep.  When I awoke, Matt was holding me...and I sobbed some more.