Day 66--Looking for words

I should be under the bright, sunny skies of Berkeley today on old stomping grounds surrounded by familiar friends.  Instead, I sit alone,  perched on my hillside, surrounded by wispy clouds and the sound of rain.  My suitcase still packed, I am still, holding the blood from flowing and the tears from falling; the day holds numbness. 
Fifteen minutes away from my "exit" interview, I am anxious.  What will be asked, what will I reply, what is the purpose? 
Where are the words today?  Instead, my mind fills with images, sounds, and smells.  I  trace the path to the NWP office with visions of familiar landmarks and smell aromas of the Northern California flowers.  I can hear the bells of the Campanile calling and taste the salt air of the bay and long for one last cup of coffee from our favorite spot.
Images, no words. Images of Lynette's petite pixiness and Caroline's sweet smile.  Of Paul's head tilted just so as he laughs,  Shelby's arms outstretched, Nicki helping someone with technology, the baby bumps of Sharline and Sela, Shirley's shivering, and My's calm presence.  Grant's eyes glisten and Mary Ann's broad grin never fades.  Melinna and Brenda side by side...Batman and Robin on the task...steady, diligent, and caring.  Jillian's energy and Linda's brain ticking quickly, Lily's sincerity and Vicki's enthusiasm, and Marilyn remains calm and supportive.  Judy, Elyse, Tanya, Joye, Pat, Tom will be present but still working....still striving to make it all okay, better than okay...maybe thinking about a drink together later.  Corinne, Kathleen, Kate,  Shannon planning some fun, no doubt.  My Misha heavy with heart, taking it all in and aching a bit inside.  Chris too will hold all closely to her heart.  All those there and not, images.  I hope Shirley is drinking something fruity in Spain and Vanessa and Linette are surrounded by family.  All the SDLs Tish, Susan, Nancy, Rick, Nick, all of them, I see their faces and hear their voices...wise voices to guide the directors onward.  How long has Nicole M. been there for all of us?  How about Pat Sweeney?  I see them working, always working.  I can't list them all but I see them each one.   I see them and feel them so vividly; I simply can't take it in today and come up with sufficient words.  All I can do is note the images...hoping to keep them forever in my heart.

Lasts--Day 61

Fragrant Thoughts

We are the petals of a rose
as it withers.

Once a strong bud 
tightly folded into each other,
fragrant, hopeful, and full of possibility 
ready for pollination,
we  blossom
spread our petals,
while still attached,
unfolding to be shared for the greater good.

Slowly, we drop
one by one
s e p a r a t e d
severed from seedpod

we float aimlessly
until




we rest
fertilizing new soil
waiting
for a new season

Shedding Layers-- Day 59

This morning I peeled off the brightly flowered laptop computer skin Matt purchased for me for my NWP computer.   I fell in love with the unique design during a stroll though Old Town San Diego.  The motif has served as a laptop identifier on my sterile black VAIO causing it to stand out among the many black laptops of  my colleagues as we sat around large tables thinking about large ideas with our chords intermingled and our keyboards fluttering.  As I prepare my laptop for return to NWP, I come across years of work, of amazing thoughts, of connections which have become layers of my own skin.
Another layer of this era was peeled back today, my role as Site Development leader.  Serving as a site mentor has been a highlight of my NWP program associate work.  Serving others is in complete harmony with who I am and working with the incredible site directors who are completely committed to supporting great teachers has been an honor.   Additionally, I've worked alongside some of my most respected colleagues and friends who have guided me into becoming more than I dreamed I could be.  On a call with these other Site Development Leaders, former directors, teachers, professors, writers, friends, we said goodbye and God Speed.  Praying our lives will cross and knowing things will never be the same, I pushed the end call button on my phone...just as I've done hundreds of times before on conference calls and visits with friends.  This time though my eyes filled with tears and my heart tightened as I moved one step closer to removal.

Once off the phone, I changed my NWPi profile to my new email, erasing my title and description, returning to my roots of my home WP site.  So many blanks in the profile:  job description, employer, title???  No answers, just me, shedding the layers of a era gone by.
What I know is skin renews.  Even with  the deepest cut, our body quickly clots the blood flow and begins to prepare a new layer of protection.  Will there be scars, probably; but, scars make us stronger and help us remember from where we've come.  From memories, we move forward.  And I continue to peel away the layers.

Day 53- Volunteering

My new title is volunteer.  I use my days now to volunteer for myself which is quite a new concept for me.  I spend my days exploring, wandering, wondering, studying, searching, researching...being.  Yesterday I had my first visit with my Tools for Transition counselor, Irene.  I realized while chatting with my career transition coach that I actually know more about myself than I was giving myself credit for.  After we set up a date in June to get down to the nitty gritty job search plan, I made a list of avenues explored, my strengths and preferences and emailed it off to her.  Turns out, without being aware, I've been keeping a diary/log of what I do each day.  It has become my checklist of things to do and things to know I've accomplished.  With scribbled boxes and big check marks, I feel like I'm actually volunteering for myself.  Previously, I would have thought of this as working for myself; however, I'm not paying myself so I really must call it volunteering.  It begs the question, When have I ever spent time for myself...honestly, I have not!  I've spent my life serving, volunteering, and working for others.
So, after the call yesterday I explored the Tools for Transition website, printed off the resources, and finished reading email.  This led to exploring the MAT online program from USC an investigation of working toward ESL certification with a thought of teaching abroad some day.  Then, I was off to play MahJongg.  I've found it is important to separate myself from this "volunteer" work as it can become overwhelming to have so much freedom.  During the MJ game at the market, my friends and I discussed employment opportunities locally and beyond.  How encouraging to know I have some local friends in my support and search network!
After the game, I headed to the library where I spent several hours looking at books and resources on careers, the current job market, federal jobs, resume and letter writing, and online presence.

Every day is a new opportunity to explore.  Today it was Willamette Writers, Google for teachers, responsibilities of a copy editor,and  the Loaf Tour blog.  I continue to trust that this labyrinth of self study the Lord has me winding through will lead to joy beyond my vision.  I pray, I trust, I keep the faith.

Learning to lean

I was born with naked feet.  And, frankly, I try to keep them naked as often as I can.  This creates a bit of a problem for my husband who is constantly picking up the shoes I've kicked off..  Unlike most women, I'm not crazy about shoes; however, I am crazy about comfort.  If I collected shoes, they would be displayed on shelves, much like pretty plates, objects to admire from afar. 


On any given day, I might have three to four pairs of shoes hanging around the house.  My house slippers, a Christmas present from my sons, all snuggly and warmly lined,  usually end up under my desk abandoned as I sip the first coffee and focus into my morning writing at my computer.  My new ECCO walking shoes tumble onto the bedroom floor to lay buried under my exercise clothes.  In Oregon, one needs mud boots to bury the weekly compost. These black, rather ugly, soldiers end up kicked off somewhere around the bottom step in the garage.  Rounding out the day, I'll wear some run-around, simple, black flats or my new MBT rocker, good-for your-core Mary Janes sometime during the day.  They too will be dismissed under the dining table, at the edge of the couch, or "lost" somewhere in the house. 

My husband picks these up...all the time, every day, in all places...he retrieves them and places them back in my closet.  I guess that shouldn't seem significant to a woman who has lived alongside three brothers and raised three sons.  I've spent a lifetime picking up after people.  But you see, for years I haven't acknowledged  I could count on Matt to pick things up.  I have been so consumed with self-sufficiency, I haven't learned to lean on someone else.  I've viewed myself as the helper, the listener, the retriever, and the partner.  The dependent...what a forbidden thought.

Turns out I have a whole support system to lean on.  My God blesses me beyond measure.  My friends are plentiful, loyal, and inspiring.  My siblings are a phone call away.  My sons are now strong, self-sufficient, confident men.  And my husband is my best friend, number one fan, and first class shoe retriever. 

To everything there is a season.  It's time to lean, to ask for help, to enlist listeners, to reach out, to depend, to live nakedly,  feet and all.