Day 45

So, I retreated.  I paused.  I slept and wept.  I felt the silence and stillness of God within me.  A piece of me is now renewed. 

I am more than the job I've been.  The words come easily but it takes much longer to internalize the reality.  I've spent years in the frenzy named "work."  Blindly, I'd launch from one task, one obligation, one responsibility to the next; so blindly, I lived more in the future than in the moment.  That obsessive need to give my all, to touch young lives, to live my passion,  has given way to a release of frenzied energy as I melt into a puddle of now. Fear ruled my life.  Fear of not being good enough, letting people down, not being self-sufficient, hurting someone else, failing, abandonment, judgment, and the unknown.  Fears on top of fears have been my driving force for years. 

It has taken weeks to come to grips with the fact that doing nothing means having time for awareness of everything.  I am happy for the opportunity to be unemployed.  What a relief!  What a blessing!  Time to BE. 

Day 5-Rounding out the Week

As I look back over the week from hell, I am uplifted by the strength and resilience of my co-workers.  We have all supported each other, checked in by phone, email, FB, any way possible to make sure everyone else is doing okay.  The calls Elyse, Joye, Mike and site development folks are doing with the sites are full of hope; leaders are already creating ways to continue and thrive.

My support system has been wonderful .  Matt has held me and assured me that all will be fine.  Mom is in constant prayer for God to show me the next window. My sister listens and supports from afar; I feel her love.  My sons empathize and send their love.    Friends have sent cards, called and let me know they are near.  One should never underestimate the power of a support system; it has buoyed me throughout the week.
My dreams continue to flood my mind:  gardening, a children's book, a painting class, a week devoted to my granddaughter, teaching, weekly classes of Mah Jongg, exercise, or...well sky is the limit.  It's lovely to look forward.

Day 5 feels so good!

Day 4-Possibilities

My whole outlook is improved today!  I'm thinking about seeing AW on Saturday, all my friends in DC, and hanging with Britt.  All of a sudden the world feels whole with possibility...a painting class, hanging out more with the ladies, regular exercise classes, gardening on pretty days, winning the lottery, or a trip around the world.  Nothing seems impossible today.

I've survived much worse than job loss in my life.  Heck, at birth I wasn't supposed to live...so here I am.  Losing loved ones, betrayal, living in my car, tornadoes, losing a home to fire, surviving cancer...Good grief, an NWP transition is nothing.

I am so thankful for my family and friends who have been there for me this week.  I couldn't have progressed without their understanding and love.  My God is good!  

The Lord has plans for me and the windows are providing signs of a breeze.  Something great is coming; I can't wait to see what it is.

Day 3 A bit later

So, I showered and it's before 9:00 am.  I'm out of my pajamas and the sun is out.  It's quite windy outside but just to see the sun for a while gives me rays of hope.  I'm trying to think positive thoughts...like firsts instead of lasts.  First summer off in, well, forever!  First lone visit with our granddaughter!  First reunion since we left Tulsa.  First transition to the next decade, my 60s.  (Holy Moly...that looks big in print.)  First positive thoughts in days.  Enjoying this moment where my mental state feels better even if my physical state feels exhausted.  Just being.  Dumping thoughts, digitally. 

Day 3, very early

Couldn't I just sleep through this one?  No, when one is foreseeing unemployment, one doesn't sleep.  It dawned on me at 4:00 this morning, it's Wednesday, only two days until I leave for AW's and then to DC.  Today, I'll listen in on one of the site calls to hear the questions and responses about the NWP state of affairs.  Afterwards, I'll take mom to Portland to the doctor.  Do I have the strength to hear the same stories today, to be patient with her, to try to stay positive on her account...only by the grace of God?!

I'm so afraid of DC. I'm afraid I'll cry my way through the weekend.  The sites need someone strong and positive; I can't find that Pat right now.   I keep telling myself to get it together but it's just not happening.  Maybe the call today will help. 

Dixie texted me this morning at 4:00 am.  Guess I'll break the news to her today, hoping we can still maintain a relationship after June 1.  It has been such a joy to watch her grow a new site.  I'm praying ADWP can withstand the cuts.

Today's theme seems to be self doubt.  Who will hire an overweight, un-certificated, 59 year old has-been teacher...to do what?  What do I want to do?  Nothing!  Maybe I'll become a hermit or homeless person.  They seem so content with who they are.  No pressure or responsibility.  For the first time since I was 9 years old, I don't want to teach.  I have no desire to stay in education.  It's like a bad break up...here take your 41 years of heartache and "Forget Youuuuu!"  as the song goes.  I don't have hope that things will change in my life time.  What did my dad say...go into business Patty, you'll never have anything as a teacher.  I think I retorted with something about money isn't everything, blah, blah, blah!  My bad.